Oh, BOY...

If one person tells me to sleep when the baby sleeps I may end up with an assault and battery charge against me.

I can only think of one new mother who has that luxury: Heidi Klum. I'm sure she has a round the clock staff tending not only to the needs of her and her first three children, but they're probably also bathing her with some kind of lavender scented water while she sleeps.

I, however, do not have the luxury of a round the clock staff. I don't even have a staff. I have a 4 year old daughter who occasionally brings me diapers and blankets and a husband who's just as insane with exhaustion as I am. So sleeping when the baby sleeps is not an option for me unless I never do another load of laundry, never eat, shower, pay bills, walk the dog, or, most important, see another episode of LOST, again.

So, here's some advice I thought the parenting world may actually find useful:

Baby wipes do not harm paint.

I know this because this morning, as I fell victim once again to Punkin's favorite trick, I used several of them to wipe the wall down before, during, and after I changed his diaper. I'm convinced his entire body is taken up by a stomach and a bladder. How else could one explain the amount of pee that came spurting out of him with the blast of a firehose?

Imagine, if you will, a once calm, cool, and collected woman holding a diaper over her 5 week old son, staring at the wall in front of her, wondering if she's a bad mother for wiping down the wall before taking care of her son (it was an expensive paint job).

Of course this didn't take one diaper, it took three. The first was the one I used to catch the pee as it first came flying out, the second was the one I used to stop the fountain when I'd removed the first one thinking the storm was over, and the third is the one he's wearing now, along with the distinct expression of satisfaction on his face.

I'm just glad he didn't go in the other direction and hit the dining room table. What if I had to post a blog about that incident? Nobody would eat dinner at my house again.